It was an ordinary Sunday. I picked up the phone and dialed my friend, K’s number. We chitchatted about nothing in particular for a while. I suddenly remembered the movie I had watched the night before. It had depicted the lead actor as commitment-phobic artist who was very reserved with his feelings. Despite loving the lead actress, he was unable to show her his true emotions. This reminded me of several stereotypical guys I know. I proceeded to ask K why it is that many guys are unable to show their feelings and end up ruining the very thing that they want the most. I might have had a slightly accusatory tone in my voice so it could have led K to respond in an unexpectedly defensive manner. He was riled up saying that I should not generalize all men. K subsequently turned on the offensive, stating that girls were not perfect. He went on to add that girls are superficial and rather jealous creatures. Feeling wrong footed, I deemed the comment about girls unnecessary. I countered saying that I was not trying to find faults with the male race and was just asking why guys tend to act like that. Dredging up old grudges I added that K always turned every conversation into an argument. My highly accusatory tone and escalating pitch left no room for a peaceful resolution. K argued saying that I was the one who suddenly made an accusation that he did had done nothing to deserve. I was struggling to understand why he had thought I was accusing him when my words suggested nothing of the sort. At that point in time, I had obviously overlooked my tone which could have been the culprit. Looking back at this argument I realized that K would have felt vulnerable at the start and would have been caught unawares as I had suddenly questioned him without explaining to him the context of my message, in this case the movie that I had watched. This, together with my slightly accusatory tone could have made him feel irritated. I used to wonder how to bring up sensitive topics without breaking into an argument. While I might have a few more ideas now such as watching out for my non-verbal cues and ensuring that the message is not misinterpreted, I would like to pose this question to all of you. How do we bring up sensitive topics to discuss without making the communication partner feel that it is directed towards them? I have realized over time that in spite of repeatedly saying that the message is not directed towards you, the person does end up feeling slightly disgruntled.
I hope all of you enjoyed my little account above. This conflict may not be a big deal but it is a common type of conflict that I believe people can relate to.
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Hi Jigna,
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that this is a common type of conflict that we face. This usually will arise when both parties have different viewpoint.
Well, what I will do when my friend has a different opinion is that I would first listen to what my friend has to say. Then, I will try to agree on my friend's viewpoint instead of rebutting immediately and say that he/she is totally wrong. But I will also explain to my friend about my viewpoint and try to persuade him/her to agree with me.
Basically, I will not try and make the other party think that he/she is totally wrong and I am right. This is because I feel that everyone is entitled to have a different viewpoint. And also no one will like it if another person says that his/her viewpoint is flawed. As you have pointed out, tone is also very important especially if you are communicating through the phone. Thus, I will try to be aware of how I put my words and also use an appropriate tone.
Hi Jigna,
ReplyDeleteYou really asked a difficult question. How to bring up a sensitive conversation without the other party feeling offended.
For me, I think the best way to do so is to be sincere and vulnerable when initiating that sensitive topic.
Instead of saying "Guys are all like this..", perhaps, you can share things like "Last week, I was dumped by this guy and I'm so hurt. Are all guys like this?.."
If you ask in a manner where it is not judgmental, there will be a higher probability the person you are talking to to not feel offended, but empathized with you.
Some key notes:
1. Avoid bringing up things they previously did to support your point.
2. Always keep your pitch and tone in check.
3. Always keep track of their non verbal cues and stop if you feel awkwardness or building tension.
My two cents =)
Hi Jigna,
ReplyDeleteI think this conflict started because of a lack of clarity in the information being transmitted to the listener. The question “Why many guys are unable to show their feelings and end up ruining the very thing that they want the most” seems rather impromptu, as a result, the listener, in this case, friend K may feel that this statement is pinpointing at him, thus causing him to lose his cool and be defensive (which kick start the quarrel).
I feel that if more background information relating to this statement is made known to friend K, for e.g. information of the male lead in the movie which causes you to ask this statement, I believe that friend K will understand what your strain of thought is and why you ask this question. Who knows? Maybe friend K will even answer your question from the “man’s point of view”.
As to your question on how to bring up sensitive issues for discussion with your friend, I feel that one needs to consider that everyone has their own perspective, thereby thinking differently. Therefore, when talking about sensitive issues, one needs to provide more background information to ensure the listener understands your question thoroughly and why you will ask this question. In this way, the listener will not be offended by what you said and in fact, will even answer your question from the viewpoint of a third party. One must never assume that everyone thinks on the same line as you. Yup, and that’s what I feel. =)
hey jim,
ReplyDeleteI think your reply makes alot of sense. It does seem to strike a wrong cord with people when you bring up past grudges. I really need to keep that in check next time.
Being vulnerable is also a very valid point. I think it makes the opposite person feel at ease and not like he is being 'attacked'.
Thanks for your comments :))
jigna
Hi Jigna,
ReplyDeleteThe type of situation you just mentioned happens more often than we think. And yes, it is very hard to bring up sensitive topics, especially when the other person feels we're accusing him/her of something. What I've noticed is that it is good to make sure that the other person doesn't feel like he/she is being judged. It might also help to first ask a question and listen to their opinion, before stating our own opinion. That way, you'll know if the other person has a very strong point of view. This could help us explain our opinion in a non-accusatory way.That said, it is always difficult when it comes to discussing sensitive topics. The best we can do is try to not use offensive phrases or tone.
Hi Jigna, there's an old saying how one gets along with society in general - 'never to talk about politics or religion' - now you know why!
ReplyDeleteLight-hearted remark aside, this is a very good scenario you shared, and I can see a number of fine comments posted by your classmates. As some of them have mentioned, perspective is everything here, and individuals are entitled to their own views. You have done well reflecting on the exchange between the two of you, becoming a better communicator (and person) in the process.
Good job!